Cheesy Movie Pairings
Drinky Winky Pairings – Beers of the Doctor.
We have pretty much been binge watching Doctor Who on BBC America for a week straight at this point. After that long you start asking questions, like what beer would go good with show, and do I finally have a blog topic to post about?
Gotta get those enzymes working proper again.
Now saying Bell’s Two Hearted Ale would be the obvious choice. Though it is a US beer, and if I have learned nothing over the week, if it is not British its not going to fly. Where too now then eh? I am thinking something quintessentially British something classic, timeless and most importantly something quirky. In my mind at least it has to be from, Fuller’s, Samuel Smith, or Young’s.
But what though, Fuller’s Vintage Old Ale or London Porter? They certainly have the timeless and old thing going for them..
A Samuel Smith Organic Chocolate Stout? Classic but kinda quirky, certainly a solid nomination.
For my choice though i am taking the quirky to the max: Well’s and Young’s, Banana Bread Beer. On the surface kinda kid friendly but for adults, weird as all get out, but actually works and comes together as something quite unforgettable in a good way.
For the folks at home, what would you go with?
Presenting Beastmaster III the Eye of Braxus – ill tempered seabass edition
I liked the first Beastmaster. For what it was it as good, a great one of movie – OK the whole circle of life ending was eh, but still it was enjoyable in a swords and sandals fun way. I have seen it more than once and it holds up.
But……. A decade or so later, they decide to send our hero off to LA. No not the Highlander, which did the same thing around the same time, is Hollywood really that strapped for ideas?
So anyways, 5 year after what many people have called the worst sequel ever filmed, they figured eh why not? Lets try this one again as a made for TV movie with even less of a budget (mostly spend on Jan Hammer’s score I imagine). Why would I bother with part 2. Why not just forget it happened (seemingly like the writers did) and jump right into part III.
To be fair Hercules and Zena were in their prime and Bruce Campbell could do no wrong on either show. But those were intentionally funny right? At least I hope they were? They did actually make a TV series, whether or not it was on the W.B. I cannot say.
So Dar, who now oddly looks like a muscled up Peter Weller or just a tiny version of Conan?. Seriously though, look at that photo its Peter Weller’s face, like they lifted it from a RoboCop screen grab. It might only be slightly weirder if they used Fabio instead. but his Butter gig was going full force back then. Plus Nintendo had him a busy.
So, Dar is traveling around with his new pal Seth (Tony Todd of N.O.T.L.D. 90, Candy Man, the Rock & 24 fame) and his ferrets and lion (following in the path of a panther / tiger painted black, and a non painted tiger respectively).
This begs the question who would you rather as your travel companion. John Amos (arguably somewhat out of his jacked to all heavens physique) or Tony Todd in his prime. Both are pretty bad ass yes, but John’s got the humor angle nailed down tight. Or would you rather just a goat or maybe an ill tempered hippo? This is Beastmaster after all.
They have to save Dar’s brother (not the brother from Part 2 either, is other brother) from an evil wizard who uses human sacrifices to grant him eternal youth and to free his leader Braxus from his magical holding cell.. The rest of the plot sort of fills itself in from there. Not sure if I would call it better or worse than the time Macgyver got a knock on the head and ended up in King Arthurs Court.. It is pretty close.
For our drink this time I did try to find a lion or ferret beer to go with this, but the choices are lacking. that i could find at least, if you guys can think of one drop me a line.
Now if we were still talking about #2 we had plenty of tiger things to work with. So I am going with ill tempered animals. New Jersey’s own: Bolero Snort Ragin’ Bull Amber Lager. After Running around with your animal squad mates and all that sword tossing in the intro you need something crisp and refreshing.
Ripped off Robot Cartons – Space Thunder Kids: The Pairing (or quiet boy do you want us to get sued?)
Imagine, if you will, a TV series that not only managed to rip off EVERY robot themed Japanimation show you can think of, (badly) but ripped of itself more than Michael Bay ever managed to recycle his past works.
That’s Space Thunder Kids in a nut shell. Grab a little Voltron, a little Transformers, Iron Man perhaps, maybe so Silver hawks for good measure. The animation seems old and worn out, cannot put my finger on what I reminds me of. Dirty old, and low budget, that is for sure.
This happens to be a Korean work dubbed and remade remodeled for the US markets. How it is not a North Korean idea though I do not know.. this is so something Kim Jong would have made someone make. Put it as a feature point in one of those abandoned theme parks he has laying about.
Seriously I have no idea how copy write suits go overseas but how did this happen. What, since most of the shows were made to sell toys and anyone watching this miss mash of crap (seriously Voltron is riding Flash Gordon’s Thunder Cycle at some point) will want to buy one of the many toys they are ripping off, they turn a blind eye? Really everything about it makes me think of some other show I have seen at some point. It’s a pop culture Cuisinart. They even have TRON discs on their backs wow the more you watch the more you see. This would probably a good drinking game in here: drink every time you see a blatant rip-off… Or at least a damn short one.
Supposedly this series director is the king of recycling props costumes, scenes, etc.. Makes me wonder if any of this is original ripped off material or if all of it was cut and pasted for other works?
Makes me miss Katz and Zero Wing…
OK not really
What better to go with a rip off movie, but the begging for a (or did they actually get sued) lawsuit beer: RoboHop.
Santa and the Ice-cream Bunny, Trapped on a Beach – In Florida
Is there a story here, or was Santa only on bath-salts? Maybe he went for a swim in Lake Buena Vista and picked up some of those nasty amebas’?
Wow is this painfully unwatchable worse than the Santa Clause 4: Revenge of Jack Frost with the Santa puppies and a cameo from Santa Baby herself Jenny the Fear monger.
As the plot goes, or at least as how it is explained online: Santa’s sleigh gets stuck in Florida.
Now this was probably because of their archaic beer laws, which I imagine were even worse in the 1970’s. Anyway, he had to switch from Ales to God knows what to make it through the what I am assuming was day light test run. This is only days before Christmas Eve, and its broad daylight. What the hell is he thinking? Also, did I mention this is an hour and a half movie? 
As he is stuck and no one can get him out, the kids try all their pets dogs, sheep, kinky Kelly,, hell even the Skunk Ape shows up. but nothing works, he is stuck tight. They offer to buy in a plane ticket but he wants none of that.
The Kids are obviously pissed as Santa just fucked up Christmas for them. He tries to get back in their good graces by telling the group the story of Thumbelina? Wait what? Of all the stories to tell, Thumbelina with it’s almost inter-species erotica? He sings a bit also.
Picture and sound quality are right on par with what you would expect from such a movie. Though the Thumelina parts do sound better. So that bit ends and Santa is passed out in his sleigh and who comes to rescue him? The Ice Cream Bunny, in an antique fire engine of course! See you had to work him into the story some place. I mean I guess you could have skipped him and left the title as is.
You can even see the crews feet as they get the engine rolling down the hill before they hopped on the back.
The ending gives us some deep dialog as:
“What is that? What is that I hear? Where’s it coming from? I hear a siren, but I don’t see any fire, I don’t see any smoke. Whenever there’s a siren, it means there’s a fire, but I don’t see any smoke. That siren. Where is it coming from? Where’s that sound coming from?”
So if we are stuck on a beach somewhere in Florida I say start off with at least a sixer of Cigar City’s Florida Cracker Wit. They will go down fast and are would make sense if you are baking away on the beach only days before Christmas.
They will take the edge off.. After that go right for the heavy stuff – Port Brewing’s: Santa’s Little Helper (barrel aged) with any look you will pass out for the rest of the movie.
And remember it could be worse:
The I.C.P. star in: Big Money Ruslas
I am just leaving this one here, I don’t think i can make myself watch it. Even if Jason Mewes is in it. I would say the same thing about a Kiss or Grateful Dead Movie. Just know this exists, and it is a sequel.
Have a Faygo or something and have it.
The Wizard: or as we liked to call it in College: Product Whoring 101
What we have here is a 90 minute commercial for the Nintendo Entertainment System. I am talking about, of course, the Wizard. At its simplest it’s like Rainman or Tommy for video games or something.
Honestly the plot is some really heady shit for its target audiences (I actually went to one of the first screenings of the movie for a friend’s Birthday Party, the ad’s didn’t end with the credits either, you got a flyer on the way out with a mini guide to the new game Shadowgate).
Let’s see, a kids twin sister drowned in the green river the prior year, leaving him basically catatonic the whole movie, only saying California over and over the death also broke up the family and had him locked up in a psych ward.
Though much like with Tommy, Rainman, or Hodor, this does give him some special powers, he ends up being a NES wizard.. Who knows his warps.
If that’s not enough for the pre teen market, they also use pedophilia as a way to get out of getting caught and brought home. What’s funnier that watching a bunch of truckers stomp some guy after a girl yells out that he touched her breasts? In the end all the kid wanted to do was to go see the giant Dinosaurs the family had visited to leave a picture of the family and a few mementos of his sisters in a place where she was happy..
This could have been an awful, in a good way, tear jerker.. but no this took product whoring to a whole new level. Micheal Bay probably watched this movie as a teen, and said I can do that… I can do that better! And really he has, except there is some movie stuffed in there in his case.
Let’s see, they show off the NES, Nintedo Power Magazine, the NES 900 number hint line, The POWER glove, the NES 10 pick arcade game featuring that god awful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, Rad Racer, Ninja Gaiden.
Since Universal Pictures put out this one, course in the epic conclusion is held at Universal Studios (which gets plenty of screen time as well) where it hosts: Video Game Armageddon: the US reveal of Super Mario Brothers 3. OK that part was cool. SMB 3 and Shadow Gate are two of the greatest NES games ever…
So what do we drink when watching this one? Malta Goya.. What you think I would go with something alcoholic for this one.. Who do you think I am Spielberg? What movie do you think this is, ET? (and as far as I know they didn’t CG this bit out of if like they did the guns and stuff on the re release).
The Eliminators: man & woman: meet Mandroid’s
Ok this is not Robocop, nor Universal Solider, nor the Black Hole, not even live action DOOM.
What we have is far far worse. This is the Eliminators, and they are “Mandroids” There is some time traveling, a handful of cave men, and a teleporting robot pet thing, named S.P.O.T. of course, a riverboat captain found in the worst bar in Mos Isley, and a martial arts warrior? Yeah that is a bit out of left field, even for this kind of movie.
This is like what would have happened if they let them make a Robocop 4 following in the trend of horrible decline far worse that what we saw with Robocop 3.
They get to travel down a river like in Rambo II, but it is not as exciting and of course the bad guy becomes an uber mandroid (imagine iron man if he was going for a bloated ford Mustang sort of look and a cape, you always need capes.) for the last battle, and of course wants to go back in time to become the next Caesar. He has a shield that shoots lightning bolts too. This is why we can’t have nice things like time machines. Times like this I wish I was watching M Bison ham it up.
So we have a flat 2d comic book made into a movie level of film. Dumb fun, not painful, but just there. You will watch it and laugh or cry and forget about it as soon as it ends. Which it does abruptly do.
So if the movie is 2d we need something with a bit more dimension going for it. Perhaps the Gandhi-Bot DIPA, by New England Brewing? Very hard to find even if you are local though. So its depth we want, and something to bring up our moods… hmmm Rochforte Trappistes 10 sounds likes a plan. Monks make it, & it’s fantastic.
Surburban Sasquatsh – Squashy takes New Jersey
Cheers to the fine folks over at /r/BadMovies for finding this gem. This one hails from my neck of the wood in North Jersey, for better or worse.
Sasquatch, or at least a guy in a Party City factory blemished Gorilla suit is running a muck in the suburbs. He’s pissed about something, and he’s got skills, Over head pressing a police car, hearts ripped from peoples chests kung-fu style, beating people to death with their own limbs. Budget was said to be about $550 (talking 2003-2004 Dollars)
His roar, or more accurately, Yaur, sounds like a the chainsaw from DOOM revving up. Guns, or at least the ones we are allowed to have in NJ, can’t stop it, SUVs and mini vans can’t stop it. But native American shaman may be able too, or maybe that girl from the Hunger Games…
If it was not already forced and awkward enough, they even manage to somehow shoehorn in a romance plot line.
While this one has all the tenants of bad movies: blue filters for night shots, pacing issues, bad sound, horrible actors, next to no budget – it does have some new things. So many of the Special effects are done with even worse CGI effects. The muzzle flashes for every gun look like the same camera flash, and one guys head getting smashed looks like it was drawn in using MS paint. They even added a net (yes a rope net) via CGI in one scene. Even when done well, like the ending of The Dead Hate The Living, it takes me out of the film.
If it were not for the fact otherwise the movie is so wonderfully bad I would have passed. I mean punching out a guys heart before you feed it too him? What can beat that?
Call me old-fashioned but I would have been happier seeing a ziplock bag full of cherry jello flop out. Oh well it’s modern world now, and I will have to get used to it with new movies I suppose. After Effects must be the new stock footage.
I say drink a Great Divide Yeti Stout or two, or 6 with this one. Take your pick, any one of the versions I think will work out well. Yes you get a cryptid on the bottle though he is possibly less ill-tempered. I mean he isn’t in the movie and gets to hang around in Colorado. A tasty stout for sure, but with its huge alcohol presence it also burns. So much like the movie you have to endure a little hurt mixed with the enjoyment.
Canadian movie and beer pairing – Rock & Roll Nightmare – Starring Thor
I just love these low-budget tight timeline films. Yes sure you can get drivel, but on the other hand you can strike gold.
Here we have the late 80’s Canadian heavy metal horror film Rock and Roll Nightmare. Written produced and staring Thor. Yes Thor, honestly one of the coolest birth names ever: Jon-Mikl Thor. Apparently he is also a big fan of coke classic.
Budget wise I am sure it was on the original Evil dead level. It was also shot in a rushed 7 days. Let’s start – there is an evil farm-house home of demons and what not, who are portrayed by puppets. Are some of them cheesy? A bit yeah, but still they work so well.
The evils kill of the family living there and the house goes abandoned.
Flash forward and a metal band is going there to record or rehearse. Driving a supped up Mr. T approved Love Van rocking not only Canada plates, but a USA-1 plate you know this is going to be good.
The soundtrack harks back to the classic Carpenter synth stuff, acting is what you expect, but the puppets man they were great. So, one by one the evil picks of the group, claiming their souls..
Or did he? Only Thor knows the secret to bringing him down. And he does it in a way what would make Ozzy, the Ultimate Warrior and Roddy Piper proud – teased hair – studded leather thong, and greased up with kheils?
No spoilers here but the end battle is the stuff of legend. You can watch either the full movie or just the battle scene on Youtube.
If we are talking sleeper Canadian films, we need a sleeper beer (and one we can actually get in the states) I say Unibroue Maudite.
TV Movie and a Beer – Kingdom of Spiders + a Shout out to all the Spider themed beers!
For my 200th post I have something special. Something featuring none other than the great William Shatner.
I have been trying to figure out what this one was called for a while. Honestly I had thought it was older than 1977, and as it turns out it was a made for TV movie, so looking at his filmography only was not much help.
As MFTV movies go this one was not half bad production wise,aging better than say The Morning After, but in the end though You just end up feeling bad for the spiders.. they don’t want to be there, they certainly do not want to be crushed.. I don’t think this one instilled as much false fear as Jaws did but still.. Thankfully on that hand movies can’t be made like this anymore.
All that said, it is still bad and blatantly ripping off some Jaws camera angles and let’s not mention the plot of the mayors caring more about tourists money than the citizens. I am shocked the Mayor is not wearing a leisure suit with horse shoes on it. They did try to work in an environmental angle, but that worked as well as it did in The Day after Tomorrow…
Remember this was back in the man vs. nature crazed 70’s you had Earthquakes, Rouge Waves, Sharks, fires, Ants, Slugs?, Xeno-Morphs, Spiders more than a few times, rabbits, yes rabbits & not just Tim The Enchanters foe, either – Night of the Lepus evil rabbits..
This one is Post Giant Spider Invasion, but pre Arachnophobia for what its worth.
Plot wise not to give away much but since when can Tarantulas make webs? Just leaving that out there.
Being the 70’s we also get Lalo Schifrin’s Shatner equivalent for the score. Huge jazzy horn and string swells and time the action gets intense, which as it turns out as it turns out they soundtrack was old stock stuff from Twilight Zone episodes.
Think about it – imagine if the soundtrack started right as McQueen peeled out Bullitt, and not the reverse..
No, that is not quite right.. I think Jim Carey screeching out the pon farr fight theme from the OG Startrek episode in The Cable Guy is more like it..
If you are watching this, I say go with a Hoppin Frog BORIS (the Crusher) because really any time I hear Boris the anything I think of either, the Blade, Badenov or the Spider. And I do love that Who song…
If you happen to be from Long Island or NYC I did find quite the fitting local brewery for this one, and I would love to give them a shout out: Spider Bite Brewing Co, makers of the actual Boris the Spider Imperial Stout. I want to check them out if I can ever get the chance to.
Bier Battered [.] com 